I’ve been thinking a lot about reciprocity and what it means when life is so demanding. A growth area for me this year focused on putting a lot more emphasis on what I need versus what others need. It may sound selfish but I’ve personally spent the last decade (or more) making sure the people around me felt comfortable, supported, and could see me as a stable place to return. As I read a little about what reciprocity means, I completely forgot to remember to also ask for the same level of support.
The outcomes feel almost comically obvious. When there’s reciprocity with people, jobs, hobbies, or anything, there’s a sense of balance and elevated purpose. There is also more happiness. I laughed a bit when I discovered that Masterclass, the brand bringing experts in their field to give you 10 lessons, at $300 a year, had an article about Reciprocity in Relationships in their “Wellness” category. Of course, this is something humans should be striving to “master.” Reading through a high-level post, two of their four tips stood out for me: remember to take and remember that reciprocity is a long-term strategy.
The latter is something I think about a lot, mainly because in my line of work, “long-term ROI” is something I write about or think about a lot. The activities we focus on today may not pay dividends until months or years later, and all the bumps in between are a journey to a goal. That short-term shit is for impatient suckers. You want real growth, real progress: think about the long-term mechanics of it all, and if you set yourself up to appreciate those mechanics.
What I mean by that, is if you’ve been the recipient of a person’s support and attention, the long-term effect of this is that the other person will likely require, and be smart enough to demand, that they get that support back. We should all be ready for that calling. Sometimes it’s all at once, while other times it’s spurts at a time. It’s not a quid pro quo thing but more of a commitment that a natural balance is something people should be aware of. If there’s a consistent rejection of their needs for yours, then the long-term effect is that the person will likely feel a complete imbalance, leading to a departure.
Comically obvious.
This takes me to their other tip: remember to take. I forget about this one a lot while simultaneously pushing it aside when I remember it. But it’s a topic that a lot of close friends, and my lovely wife, and I have discussed a considerable amount this year. Every week I run into some adage that goes a little like “The happiest person you need to make in this world is you.” And I think that also goes with almost any engagement or relationship we’re in: the first person to take care of is you and the rest will fall into place. When we recognize that, it sure makes for empathy and understanding to shine.
I promise I didn’t intend to write some wellness post for the end of the year, but we’re creatures of reflection and this is where my brain sits at the moment.
My buddy David wrote a bit about this earlier in the year.
As we head into the listicle refreshes of our new year, one of the things I’m continuing to prioritize is what I need to remember to ask others of in my life, so I can show up as the best for them when they need it.
What does this have to do with photography?
My greatest battle as an artist, the self-sabotage I consistently deal with, is that I question my right to extract vignettes and broadcast cast them to the world. What puts me in a position to say “Hey, look at my stuff because I have emotion to express?” Earlier in the year, someone I know put it bluntly: “Why is your shit more important than mine?” It’s a great question and one that has blasted my brain like an endless IG reel.
My initial answer is that it’s not. We’re all creators. We’re all thinkers. We’re all on whatever personal journey exists for us and we craft the journey we’re on.
But another more forceful answer is that I’m comfortable openly stating that my viewpoint is unique, and I think it’s a duty to proclaim that. Another answer is that I don’t see myself as a taker or thief; I see myself as part of the humanity machine. All that means is that I see us as a collective of memory hoarders, mining scenes and experiences for purpose, and beauty. Some people do it with words, others with music. I simply use a tool that helps freeze moments as is.
But that is where my thoughts about reciprocity come in. I believe I’m contributing some minor and insignificant role in the story of our lives. And what I put into that is the time, energy, and thoughtfulness to try and capture fleeting moments that express the time we live in, where I live, wherever that may be, all intended to build some sort of dialogue across us. I’m a recipient of this dialogue and a participant in it.
What I usually anticipate is a simple discourse on the reflection of how these stories make people feel (or not feel). And like hunter-gatherers who don’t play for sport, I only take what I will use, and photograph what I deem important. There are no trophies here, only beautiful visual beasts that, if fully consumed, will nourish us, build a narrative, and build tradition.
See you in 2024
I am happy I started creating again. My family and my relationships give me a profound sense of purpose, but making things has been a flow I forgot existed. I’ll pick this up in 2024 with a little more fervor, a little more thoughtfulness, and hopefully as a simple journeyman.
For now, going to read Patti Smith’s diary of photos from 2020 and eat homemade cinnamon rolls made by Anna. Hope everyone has a fantastic new year.
I still can’t quite figure out why I enjoy your photos more on Substack than Instagram. I guess I’m in a less hurried, more considered mood around these parts. More art museum and less Ikea. Anyway, I love the mix of strange and banal in each of this week’s photos.
And I loved this: “what I need to remember to ask others of in my life, so I can show up as the best for them when they need it.”
I usually know what I need to be the best version of myself and yet I sabotage myself (and the people around me) all the time by not being clear about what I need to be a better me. It doesn’t seem like it should be as hard as it is, no?